Are you prone to developing and nurturing resentments? You know, holding on to grudges or annoyances that you may have against other people, even institutions, the tax man is popular one, maybe even the postal service or your local medical health care provider has done you wrong in the past and you have never forgotten. Have you at any stage identified yourself as having low self-esteem? One or the other of these ( resentments or low self-esteem) at any time by themselves are bad enough and can have serious emotional and mental repercussions in the long term, however experiencing both of these together could mean something else for you altogether.
As an Alcoholic and an Addict of 20 years active from start to finish and an angry young man trying to figure out his way in this world, I have lived with a malady of personal dis-ease for longer than I can remember. Not having been able to identify emotions and feelings and not knowing how to appropriately xpress them, I would often hold grudges and build resentments towards people places and things that I felt had slighted me. Full disclosure, there was a time that if a statue looked at me funny all bets were off and it was on my bad list for like, ever.
I have also identified as having low self-esteem, a person with low self-esteem feels unworthy, incapable and incompetent. These feelings kept recycling themselves, perpetuating the cycle, this too was and can still sometimes be me
Is it possible to be able to harbour resentments and defiance and justifiably experience low self-esteem or have I gotten it wrong all this time? A person with low self-esteem should technically not think highly enough of themselves to feel entitled enough to have a resentment, someone who feels unworthy, incapable and incompetent might correctly assume that whatever they experienced as an injustice was par for the course and might therefore merely accept what had happened as deserving.Therefore I offer, about myself that perhaps I don’t suffer from low self-esteem but rather a combination of an element of an egomaniac complex and an inferiority complex and if you experience the same thing or know someone that does then perhaps the same applies to you or them.
Egomania is also known as preoccupation with one’s self and applies to someone who follows their own ungoverned impulses and is possessed by delusions of personal greatness and feels a lack of appreciation. Egomania has also been linked with Alcoholism and drives many young and older alcoholics and addicts. A recovering alcoholic and addict may well look back on the past as a place of self-loathing, egomania and decay.
Agreed that full-on egomania quite simply makes for not a nice person, and I am not not suggesting that all of the traits of an egomaniac are relevant here as one may well not display all of them, however one specific element of an egomaniacal complex is a sense of entitlement which does fall in line with that of a narcissists, and that is a misguided belief that their needs or wants require favourable treatment and that any other reaction than this or non-reaction from those involved are met with scorn or rage.
Add to this a slight inferiority complex which is described as an unrealistic feeling of general inadequacy caused by actual or supposed inferiority in one sphere, sometimes marked by aggressive behaviour in compensation and hey presto, a combination of personality traits emerges that I hadn’t considered.