No information is invaluable especially when it comes to the way we feel about things.
Whether or not the circumstances that surround instances we experience are true or not, how we feel about them is true to us.
Is it not tough enough living with our own thoughts at the best of times than having to try and then justify them to ourselves only then to go on and beat ourselves up about it? This as far as I can tell is the perfect definition of a vicious circle.
Likewise, there is nothing wrong with us claiming and owning the good things about ourselves as well as what we perceive as the not so desirable. After all that beating ourselves up and self-flagellation that we are prone to, surely it makes sense to give ourselves a break and be kind to ourselves for being human after all. The magic word “Balance” is key, Everything in moderation though as conventional wisdom says.
When having difficult feelings, talking it out with another person can and does have massive benefits, sometimes it’s a person who is neutral to a circumstance that feelings may be involved in and other times like personal intimate relationships it needs to be the person involved. Either way, no doubt it is equally massively scary. In our personal lives there are things that need to be cleared up and understood constantly, the other options are to either pretend the feelings haven’t happened or bottle them up, which rarely results in much goodness being spread around us.
Most people have the capacity to allow another person to express themselves in a vulnerable manner in a relatively safe space if they need to, some may not have found the capacity yet but most do. Does this mean that the information expressed will be received in a completely non-judgemental way, more than like not if we consider that our views and opinions on anything whether we view them as positive or negative are still judgements? Even if we are not sitting in judgement of the other person.
We tend to clump judgement with negativity and allow ourselves a free pass in the judgement category if we feel we are being saintly, however, that is a judgement too and who knows maybe not as beneficial as we could allow ourselves to think.
When it comes to instances in which we are personally involved we can pretend we don’t have a feeling towards what is being said but we do, without fail, we only tend to prefer to admit the ones we think we like. How much capacity do we have to be vulnerable and admit things to others that we are embarrassed or ashamed of feeling?
In smart business practice, there is the 80/20 rule, what 20% of your effort and time will get you 80% of the result as opposed to the other way around. I would like to propose the 90/10 rule for smart personal life practice and feelings, that whenever we are feeling in any way about anything, towards another person, situation or circumstance, positively or negatively that we claim that 90% of it as ours and 10% of it as theirs. That means I am responsible not only for my feelings but what I am feeling.
I find we cannot be much good to anyone else around us until such time that we have been sufficiently good to ourselves, and that means allowing and embracing our feelings to ourselves despite how difficult and uncomfortable this can be and often is, no matter what the social stereotypes attempt to dictate. Remembering though that equally as hard as it can be to express feelings to someone about something it can be as hard for them to receive the information, good practice of course when entering into a situation where this exchange could happen, is that it is courteous to make sure both parties are aware that the info is about to be relayed, being caught off guard is rarely comfortable or productive.
If 90% of ours is ours and 10% of theirs is theirs we are a whole lot closer to things like less blame and ridicule and hopefully on our way to closer, more meaningful, trusting relationships without the other person even needing to work, we may still not like what we’re feeling but if we can claim it and own it as ours, then we have a better chance of figuring out what we would like to do about it.